Make it how you want it.

I reflected tonight on how my fear of disappointment or rejection has cultivated a passivity and hesitation, a smallness in my life. In relationships in particular, there were times in my youth when I asked for things I wanted from a place of insecurity, incompleteness, even desperation. This never felt good. It seemed like I wasn't going to get what I wanted, so I tried to just stop wanting. When I couldn't do that, I tried not to ask for what I wanted because I didn't want to feel desperate.
The thing is, of course, that the not asking didn't make the desperation go away. Gradually I got so I didn't totally know what I wanted. Like when I did vision boards, there would be big gaps where I just wasn't able to see clearly. So I'd offer that up to God and practice trust.

I am immensely satisfied in my life these days. I am not desperate. But this practice of not wanting, this smallness, is no longer serving me. Up until now, I have wanted to be chosen, by romance, by careers, by teachers. Today I am ready to fill out my capacity to create my own life in the way that I want it. With whatever power I have, whatever energy I manifest, I'm gonna try to practice knowing what I want so that I can practice using my energy to experience it.

Now I think I can practice wanting from a place of completeness, confidence, satisfaction, abundance. That's so different, it's hard to even call it wanting. But for lack of a better word, that's what I'm calling it. I'm naming my intentions. I'm taking action. I'm speaking with my voice. I'm making it how I want it.

For the record, I don't quite know what this looks like. But I think I can feel what it feels like. Big. Sure. Relaxed. Loving. Meeting whatever comes with presence and strength.